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 Monday, March 07, 2005
15th September 2004
Flash Movie of the Day!
Schfifty Five - if they played this in a club, even the stoners would dance!
14th September 2004
Cool Gamble of the Day!
Deming, New Mexico, hold annual duck races. I need to go to Deming.
13th September 2004
Defy Superstition Day!
12th September 2004
World Record of the Day!
Okmulgee, Oklahoma, holds the world record for the biggest ice cream and cookie party.
11th September 2004
Bit of the Day!
The first written account of the Loch Ness Monster, or Nessie, was made in 565AD.
10th September 2004
Mike the Headless Chicken Day!
9th September 2004
Line of the Day!
I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.
8th September 2004
Back to School Francis Bardsley Day!
They spelt 'Frances' wrong on the front of our planners. Twats.
7th September 2004
Band of the Day!
The band Group X are band of the day today, but I'm not totally sure why...
6th September 2004
Thought of the Day!
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
5th September 2004
Site of the Day!
I thought this was a joke at first. Read their aims and see what you think.
4th September 2004
Hidden Talent of the Day!
Themes from movies Unforgiven, A Perfect World, The Bridges of Madison County, and Absolute Power were all written by Clint Eastwood.
3rd September 2004
Word of the Day!
Filibuster - pirate or buccanneer. Yarr!
2nd September 2004
National Beheading Day!
1st September 2004
Quote of the Day!
Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
posted by Suz 5:11 PM
Friday, November 12, 2004
31st August 2004
Line of the Day!
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
30th August 2004
Meal of the Day!
I love cats.....they taste just like chicken!
29th August 2004
More Herbs, Less Salt Day!
28th August 2004
World Sauntering Day!
27th August 2004
Thought of the Day!
Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.
26th August 2004
Quote of the Day!
Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything.
- Bob Dylan
25th August 2004
Kiss-and-Make-Up Day!
24th August 2004
Dumb Joke of the Day!
He's so dumb, he sold the car for petrol money.
23rd August 2004
Plaything of the Day!
Excavations from Egyptian tombs dating to 5,000 BC show that the ancient Egyptian kids played with toy hedgehogs.
22nd August 2004
Be An Angel Day!
21st August 2004
Colour of the Day!
Green!
20th August 2004
Band of the Day!
Samurai Seven. Muchly cool.
19th August 2004
Results Day!
Aargh!
18th August 2004
Disco of the Day!
The world's largest disco was held at the Buffalo Convention Centre, New York, 1979. 13,000 danced a place into the Guinness Book of World Records.
17th August 2004
Idiots of the Day!
Three men were flying in an aircraft at low altitude when they decided to have a little fun with the occupants of another plane in the air. While they mooned the passengers of the other plane, they lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their trousers round their ankles.
16th August 2004
Line of the Day!
I came. I saw. I left.
15th August 2004
Dumb Joke of the Day!
She's so dumb, she tripped over a cordless phone.
14th August 2004
Dismissal of the Day!
In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
13th August 2004
Blame Someone Else Day!
12th August 2004
Line of the Day!
If you don't like my standards of cooking...lower your standards.
11th August 2004
Joke of the Day!
Yo mama's so fat, she made weight watchers go blind.
10th August 2004
Nastiness of the Day!
Accounts from Holland and Spain suggest that during the 1500s and 1600s urine was commonly used as a tooth-cleaning agent.
9th August 2004
Quote of the Day!
Most of America don't even listen to music probably. They just go racoon hunting or something.
- Graham Coxon
8th August 2004
Sneak Some Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night!
7th August 2004
Beer Fact of the Day!
Beer was the first trademarked product - British beer Bass Pale Ale received its trademark in 1876.
6th August 2004
Wiggle Your Toes Day!
5th August 2004
Drink of the Day!
Coffee - one cup contains more than 1,000 chemicals. Of these, only 26 have been tested, and half caused cancer in rats.
4th August 2004
Weirdo of the Day!
Henry Christophe, King of Northern Haiti, ordered his guards to prove their loyalty to him by marching over a 200ft-high cliff. Those who obeyed plunged to their deaths; those who refused were tortured and executed. Christophe eventually ended up shooting himself.
3rd August 2004
Line of the Day!
My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!
2nd August 2004
Collectibles of the Day!
Elvis favourite collectibles were official badges. He collected police badges in almost every city he performed in.
1st August 2004
Quote of the Day!
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
- Mae West
31st July 2004
Dumb Joke of the Day!
She's so dumb, she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
30th July 2004
Twit of the Day!
A young man needed to get drunk cheap because he had no money. He decided on the next best thing after alcohol - he mixed gasoline with milk. His creative concoction made him ill and he promptly threw up into his home's fireplace. The resulting explosion and fire burned down his house and killed him and his sister.
29th July 2004
Cheese Sacrifice Purchase Day!
28th July 2004
Cheesy Clothing of the Day!
Hear about that guy who, when he was arrested in Tennesse, was dressed only in nacho sauce? Drunk, of course.
27th July 2004
Line of the Day!
Save the planet - recycle an environmentalist!
posted by Suz 8:03 PM
26th July 2004
Possible News Story of the Day!
If anyone can get me verification on this, I'd be very grateful, but I got this in an email:
"Since the DNC is holding their convention in Boston this year, Boston-based Gillette company reportedly spent about a million dollars to place thousands of razor samples in the welcome bags handed out with credentials to delegates and press. Security immediately decided that safety razors constituted a threat and began confiscating all of them, creating huge delays at all security check-points. Not a single convention-goer got to use the product sample and the Gillette name got a generous helping of cursing as folks were standing in line. Good job all around."
25th July 2004
Body Bit of the Day!
Teeth are the only parts of the human body that can't repair themselves.
24th July 2004
Skanky Criminal of the Day!
A dentist in North Carolina is under investigation after allegedly making women swallow spunk, which he put into their mouths with feeding syringes. Bastard!
23rd July 2004
End of Term Day!
We've broken up from school! Long bloody last!
22nd July 2004
Dress Like a Fairy Day!
We did, at school. The rest of the school had non-uniform, so we took it upon ourselves to dress as faries, because we can.
21st July 2004
Ernest Hemingway Day!
I gotta go to this one day: the Ernest Hemingway Lookalike Competition, held on or around his birthday. The famous writer would today have been 105 years old. Rar.
20th July 2004
Nasty News Story of the Day!
Did you hear about that surgeon in Romania who had a mental breakdown, and lopped off his patient's penis and cut it into little pieces? Nasty. That must have been some breakdown.
19th July 2004
Illegal Beer of the Day!
Heh, the doors were left open by accident at the Hawkins County Jail, so the prisoners walked to the nearest offy, bought some beer, and carried the case back so their mates could have a drink too. These men understand life's priorities.
18th July 2004
Criminal of the Day!
In Portsmouth, RI, Gregory Rosa was charged with a string of vending machine robberies when first he fled from police when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and then tried to post his $400 bail in coins.
17th July 2004
Body Hit of the Day!
The only part of the human body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.
16th July 2004
Concert Day!
Today was our big fat concert in London, it all went really well. I spent the day playing cards with a load of people I hadn't seen for yonks. Much fun! Today was also International Juggling Day, and by pure coincidence, Matthew was trying to teach me how to juggle.
15th July 2004
Animal Fact of the Day!
Sharks just can't keep still.
14th July 2004
National Nude Day!
13th July 2004
Joke of the Day!
Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
12th July 2004
Crude Fact of the Day!
Swans are the only birds with penises.
11th July 2004
Strange Royal of the Day!
Catherine the Great of Russia, discovering that she had dandruff, imprisoned her hairdresser in an iron cage for three years to stop the news spreading.
10th July 2004
Food of the Day!
Baskin Robbins once made ketchup ice cream. I may have to try making that myself one day!
9th July 2004
Do Sport in Fancy Dress Day!
Dressed as pirates, we played cricket, did aerobics and generally pissed about with eye-patches on.
8th July 2004
Printing Mistake of the Day!
In 1631, two London bible printers accidentally left the word "not" out of the seventh commandment, which then read, "Thou shalt commit adultery."
7th July 2004
Line of the Day!
The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
6th July 2004
Acronym of the Day!
Windows - Wholly Inadequate Needless Damned Outrageous Waste of Space.
5th July 2004
Short of the Day!
Q: What's the difference between a Porcupine and a Porsche owner?
A: With a Porcupine, the prick is on the outside.
4th July 2004
Idiot of the Day!
Police were on the lookout for a Chicago man who had been throwing bricks through jewellry store windows and making off with the loot. However, it wasn't too hard to catch him after he threw a brick into a Plexiglas window. The brick bounced back, smacking him in the head and knocking him out cold until the police arrived.
3rd July 2004
Compliment Your Mirror Day!
2nd July 2004
Passing of the Day
Poor Marlon Brando, he was so strange yet so... Marlon Brando. He used to wander so much on his way to kindergarten that his older sister Jocelyn had to take him to school on a leash.
1st July 2004
Interview of the Day!
Today I had to interview Jack Petchy, the 8th richest man in the country, in front of about 500 people at the Queen's Theatre. All in the name of school. Bah!
30th June 2004
29th June 2004
28th June 2004
Short Trip!
We went to Suffolk for a 'conference'. What we really did was shop, make sandcastles, eat and play tennis in the dark.
27th June 2004
Wishful Thought of the Day!
A Herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo and, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we all know, kills off brain cells. Naturally, the alcohol attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. As a result, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine....
If only.
26th June 2004
Joke of the Day!
Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
posted by Suz 6:26 PM
25th June 2004
Line of the Day!
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
24th June 2004
Woman of the Day!
Silent movie star Dagmar Godowsky decided to split from her second husband when, immediately after the ceremony, he put his arm around her and asked possessively: "Who do you belong to now?" She got him to buy her dinner and then she left him. What a bastard; at least she got dinner out of him.
23rd June 2004
Animal Fact of the Day!
Cats measure width with their whiskers.
22nd June 2004
Old Wives' Tale of the Day!
It was believed in ancient times that if a woman spat three times into a frog's mouth she would not conceive for a year.
21st June 2004
Release Day!
Finally! My exams are over and I'm free!
20th June 2004
Political Insult of the Day!
A shiver looking for a spine to run up.
- Harold Wilson on Edward Heath.
19th June 2004
Gig of the Day!
Me, Karl, David, Greg and Kempy went to see KoRn supported by Static X today, they be rather good live. I thought Static were better, personally. But it was quite refreshing to scream 'fuck' so many times during KoRn's set.
18th June 2004
Artist of the Day!
Little Jenny took me to see the Edward Hopper exhibition at the Tate today, I think my favourite was Captain Upton's Lighthouse. I bought a print of it I liked it so much!
17th June 2004
Eat Your Vegetables Day!
16th June 2004
Annoyance of the Day!
Don't you just hate it when you walk out of an exam room, and you realise that you've got a question wrong, and you know how to do it properly? Last question, D1. Bumholes.
15th June 2004
Band of the Day!
Go discover Against Me! They're worth it.
14th June 2004
Exam of the Day!
Ooo physics today, fun!
13th June 2004
Match of the Day!
England vs. France in the football: we lost.
England vs. New Zealand in the cricket: we won!
12th June 2004
Line of the Day!
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
11th June 2004
Exam of the Day!
Statistics, my favourite. Bloody marvellous.
10th June 2004
Exam of the Day!
Group suicide today: chemistry. I know what I'm not going to be when I grow up!
9th June 2004
Hero of the Day!
Sophie, in my maths class, was today supposed to have 3 hours of graphics exams, 3 hours of citizenship exams and an hour and a half long maths exam. Hah! She's been allowed to delay doing one, mercifully.
8th June 2004
Day Off!
No exams!
7th June 2004
Exam of the Day!
Geography this afternoon. Remember, intrusive igneous rocks were formed underground.
6th June 2004
Emergency Service of the Day!
In Sweden, if you're feeling frisky but haven't got the right kit, you can call the Condom Ambulance on 696969, and they'll deliver 10 packets of rubbery joy for you!
5th June 2004
Festival Of Popular Delusions Day!
4th June 2004
Quote of the Day!
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
- Woody Allen
3rd June 2004
Scientific Study of the Day!
A study in Canada has found that beer can be counted as a health food when consumed in moderation. Yay!
2nd June 2004
Animal Fact of the Day!
Dolphins keep one eye open while they sleep.
1st June 2004
Birthday!
Helen's 20. Bloody hell!
31st May!
Rich Day!
For working today, I earned the tasty sum of £75.12. I love overtime!
30th May 2004
My Bucket's Got A Hole In It Day!
29th May 2004
Brilliant Translation of the Day!
Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.'
28th May 2004
Drug Warning Story of the Day!
A crackhead who decided to spruce up his lovelife by injecting his privates with coke at the appropriate moment, had a nasty shock when he contracted gangrene in his lower body. Both his legs had to be amputated, and his assets? Fell off.
27th May 2004
Quote of the Day!
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
- Steve Landesberg
26th May 2004
Passing in Style of the Day!
Attila the Hun died on the night after his wedding in 453. It is rumored that his desire to consummate the marriage proved fatal.
25th May 2004
On This Day!
Today in 1979 the price of milk shot up far higher than expected. Fiends!
24th May 2004
Scene of the Day!
Kenneth Williams' moment of unbridled passion with Joan Sims in "Carry On Up The Khyber" was somewhat marred by Williams' persistent flatulence.
23rd May 2004
Botany Bit of the Day!
The Rafflesia flower smells like rotten meat.
22nd May 2004
Invention of the Day!
The first bike ever didn't have wheels. People walked it along.
posted by Suz 5:21 PM
21st May 2004
Exam of the Day!
Geography field trips test today, which is a bit difficult seeing as health and safety stopped us going on any field trip. Nice one.
20th May 2004
Line of the Day!
Watership Down: You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew!
19th May 2004
Frog Jumping Jubilee Day!
18th May 2004
Exam of the Day!
Woo chemistry practical! Let's blow up some labs!
17th May 2004
Exam of the Day!
Physics! Eww, moments.
16th May 2004
Movie Trivia of the Day!
They used chocolate sauce for blood in the infamous shower scene in Hitchcock's 'Psycho'.
15th May 2004
Sum of the Day!
1 = 2, for large values of 1.
14th May 2004
National Dance Like A Chicken Day!
13th May 2004
Line of the Day!
Support your local coroner - die strangely!
12th May 2004
Political Insult of the Day!
I wouldn't say she is open-minded on the Middle East, so much as empty-headed. She probably thinks Sinai is the plural of sinus.
- Jonathan Aitken on Margaret Thatcher
11th May 2004
Adam Hart-Davies Moment of the Day!
Something else the Romans did for us - they invented the first popsicle.
10th May 2004
Phobia of the Day!
Sobicphobia is the fear of being afraid.
9th May 2004
Astronaut of the Day!
In 1963 the French launched a cat called Feliette into space.
8th May 2004
Order of the Day!
Procrastinate now!
7th May 2004
World Record of the Day!
In August 1983, Peter Stewart of Birmingham set a world record by disco dancing for 408 hours.
6th May 2004
Animal of the Day!
The giraffe, on merit of its 21 inch tongue.
5th May 2004
Country of the Day!
Prostitution is legal in Guatemala, but the working conditions are apparently
appalling.
4th May 2004
Pointless Bit of the Day!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard's fish was named Livingston.
posted by Suz 4:44 PM
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
3rd May 2004
Lumpy Rug Day!
2nd May 2004
My Birthday!
Woo I can learn to drive now! Watch out road, here I come!
1st May 2004
Line of the Day!
Wrinkled up was not something I wanted to be when I grew up.
30th April 2004
Quote of the Day!
It doesn't matter what he does, he will never amount to anything.
- Albert Einstein's teacher to his father, 1895
29th April 2004
Joy of the Day!
Nothing Nice to Say is back! This is my favourite strip on there, because it's so true. Read, and feel cleansed. http://www.nothingnice.com/old/03/08-22-03.shtml
28th April 2004
Kiss-Your-Mate Day!
27th April 2004
Sad Fact of the Day!
One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
26th April 2004
Line of the Day!
Go ahead and take the moral high ground. All that heavenly back lighting just makes you a better target.
25th April 2004
Memo of the Day!
A memo from senior management:
This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.
- Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division
24th April 2004
National Pigs In A Blanket Day!
23rd April 2004
Consumerism of the Day!
The harmonica is the world's best-selling music instrument.
22nd April 2004
ZZTop Fact of the Day!
The member of ZZTop with the least facial hair, is called Frankie Beard.
21st April 2004
World Record of the Day!
The world's largest disco was held at the Buffalo Convention Centre, New York, 1979, with 13,000 people in attendence.
20th April 2004
Political Insult of the Day!
Nixon's motto was, 'If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
- U.S. writer Norman Cousins
19th April 2004
Collection of the Day!
Elvis collected police badges in almost every city he performed in.
18th April 2004
Medical Procedure of the Day!
It's called 'lithotripsy' when they mash your kidney stones with sound waves. How cool is that? The word, not kidney stones.
17th April 2004
Rubber Eraser Day!
16th April 2004
Factlet of the Day!
The first written account of the Loch Ness Monster was made in 565AD.
15th April 2004
Astronaut of the Day!
In 1969 the US launched a male chimpanzee called Ham into space.
14th April 2004
Nastiness of the Day!
Accounts from Holland and Spain suggest that during the 1500s and 1600s urine was commonly used as a tooth-cleaning agent.
13th April 2004
Building of the Day!
The Ice Hotel in Jukkasjarvi, Lapland, is constructed completely from ice. The beds are made of snow, topped with spruce boughs and reindeer skins. The average room temperature is just below 0, and around this time every year, it melts. They rebuild it in thw intertime.
12th April 2004
Quote of the Day!
You ought to go back to driving a truck.
- Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954
11th April 2004
Tip of the Day!
A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
10th April 2004
Gambling Fact of the Day!
Playing-cards were known in Persia and India as far back as the 12th century. A pack then consisted of 48 instead of 52 cards.
9th April 2004
Winston Churchill Day!
8th April 2004
Line of the Day!
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
7th April 2004
Business Quote of the Day!
Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.
- Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation
6th April 2004
Toy of the Day!
Excavations from Egyptian tombs dating to 5,000 BC show that the ancient Egyptian kids played with toy hedgehogs.
5th April 2004
Beer Fact of the Day!
Beer was the first trademarked product - British beer Bass Pale Ale received its trademark in 1876.
posted by Suz 6:17 PM
Friday, August 13, 2004
4th April 2004
Political Insult of the Day!
Richard Nixon impeached himself. He gave us Gerald Ford as his revenge.
- U.S. politician Bella Abzug on Tricky Dickie
3rd April 2004
Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day!
2nd April 2004
Chav Joke of the Day!
Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with chavs. The problem lies in the two halves of their brains - the left and the right. The left half has nothing right in it. And the right half has nothing left in it!
1st April 2004
Today, the world tragically ended...
... April fool!
I'm not trying to be funny, so don't tell me I'm not.
31st March 2004
Joke of the Day!
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Billy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"
30th March 2004
Bad One-Liner of the Day!
A sandwich walks into a bar, orders a beer and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
29th March 2004
Quote of the Day!
What, Sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
- Mark Twain
28th March 2004
Tip of the Day!
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
27th March 2004
Drinking Song of the Day!
The American National Anthem. It's an old English drinking song, Francis Scott Key just wrote different words for it.
26th March 2004
Political Insult of the Day!
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
- Margot Asquith on David Lloyd George
25th March 2004
Joke of the Day!
One autumn day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
24th March 2004
Nice Way of Saying Someone's Stupid of the Day!
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
23rd March 2004
Line of the Day!
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
22nd March 2004
Fake Land-Owner of the Day!
James Addison Reavis, by forging a few signatures, became the 'legal' owner of 17,000 square miles of Arizona. Wehn his scheme was discovered in 1895, he went to prison for 6 years.
21st March 2004
First Day of Spring!
Today being the Spring equinox, I advise you get all your pagan festivities out the way in the morning, leaving you the whole day to enjoy the 12 hours of sunshine!
20th March 2004
Joke of the Day!
Rhonda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go
to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.
Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
19th March 2004
Scary Thought of the Day!
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
18th March 2004
Indication of the Day!
You're no longer a kid when you laugh at your parents' jokes. It's bad.
17th March 2004
Mishap of the Day!
One of a lady's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster.
"Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried a short time later. "Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual's burned to a crisp."
posted by Suz 1:10 PM
16th March 2004
Quote of the Day!
Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?
- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
15th March 2004
Poll of the Day!
A Yahoo! poll has voted Ozzy Osbourne as the best person to greet aliens, should they ever land on earth.
14th March 2004
Heritage of the Day!
Elvis is Scottish!
13th March 2004
Saturday!
It may not be Friday, but it may still be unlucky for some!
12th March 2004
Balloon of the Day!
The first hot air balloon was made of wallpaper. It rained on the day of its first flight. Ah well.
11th March 2004
Political Insult of the Day!
He is a sheep in sheep's clothing
- Winston Churchill on Clement Attlee
10th March 2004
Crime Fight of the Day!
A man in Bangkok was caught using a stolen credit card when he handed it over to a petrol station cashier - who was its rightful owner.
9th March 2004
Sandwich of the Day!
Breakfast club sandwiches - bacon, egg, sausage and ketchup. Yum yum yum!
8th March 2004
Line of the Day!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
7th March 2004
Bedfellow of the Day!
A couple in Oklahoma awaoke to find a drunkard asleep in bed with them. He was charged with burglary after putting one of the owners' phones in his pocket.
posted by Suz 1:08 PM
6th March 2004
Business Quote of the Day!
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
- Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company
5th March 2004
Happy Ever After of the Day!
A man in the Panchpara region of India has married his grandmother, him being 25 and her being 80. Though it is illegal, authorities are not pressing charges as no one has filed a complaint. He says it is so he can care for her better, which I guess is fair.
4th March 2004
Truly Awful Joke of the Day!
Why should you plug your ears when you meet a tennis player?
Because he makes a lot of racket!
3rd March 2004
Really Bad Joke of the Day!
Which Knight Invented the round Table?
Circumference!
2nd March 2004
Bad Joke of the Day!
What do you call a frozen policeman?
A copsicle!
1st March 2004
Voters of the Day!
A woman in Newmarket registered her cows to vote. In her defence, the council had demanded she fill out a form stating the occupants of her barn, ie a herd of cows.
29th February 2004
Indigestion of the Day!
Earlier this month, a man died in Boston, America, after eating over 300 coins. They weighed about a stone and had forced his stomach down between his hips.
28th February 2004
Thief of the Day!
There is a thief operating in Oslo, who steals women's shoes. Nothing else, just shoes.
27th February 2004
Failure of the Day!
In 1020, Oliver of Malmesbury, an English Benedictine monk, strapped a huge pair of wings to his body and try to soar into the air from Malmesbury Abbey. He broke both legs.
26th February 2004
Political Insult of the Day!
He makes George Bush seem like a personality
- Jackie Mason on John Major
25th February 2004
Quote of the Day!
It's a bad joke that won't last. Not with winter coming.
- Fashion designer CoCo Chanel on miniskirts, 1966
24th February 2004
Thing of the Day!
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy BBC Radio Series. Go listen. Now!
23rd February 2004
Scary Fact of the Day!
The last time someone was charged with witchcraft and burned at the stake in this country... was in the 50's.
22nd February 2004
Business Quote of the Day!
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
- Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.
21st February 2004
Con Artists of the Day!
In 1872, prospectors John Slack and Philip Arnold spread $35,000 worth of diamonds over land in Wyoming. They then conned the Bank of San Francisco into believing they had discovered a diamond field and made $700,000 in the process.
posted by Suz 12:17 PM
20th February 2004
Hoodie Hoo Day!
19th February 2004
End of the Day!
Actress Lillian Millicent Entwistle jumped from the 'H' of the 'Hollywood' sign.
18th February 2004
Bad Joke of the Day!
What do you call a frozen policeman?
A copsicle!
17th February 2004
Champion Crab Races Day!
16th February 2004
Symptom of the Day!
Indication that you are turning into a pirate: even though the temperature is pushing 90, your timbers are still shivering.
15th February 2004
Joke of the Day!
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"
14th February 2004
Happy Valentine's Day!
For our romantic meal, we spat in the face of tradition and had it in Burger King. We then went down the pub with some mates, and ended up in a Chinese restaurant sword-fighting with pancake rolls. Hurrah!
13th February 2004
Friday!
Unlucky for some!
12th February 2004
Average of the Day!
On average the hiccups last about 5 minutes.
11th February 2004
Fact of the Day!
A person remains conscious for eight seconds after being decapitated.
10th February 2004
Line of the Day!
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
9th February 2004
Word of the Day!
Coniine - a highly poisonous liquid found in hemlock. And the Greeks chewed this stuff?
8th February 2004
Joke of the Day!
A man comes home to find his wife packing all of his belongings. "What's going on?" he asks.
"I can't live with you anymore!" she screams. "Here's your things; now get out!"
"Wait a minute, don't you think you should tell me why you can't live with me anymore?
"It's all the rumors going around!"
"What rumors?"
"I was told that you were a Paedophile!"
"Paedophile?!? That's an mighty big word for a 7 year old, don't you think?"
7th February 2004
Charles Dickens Day!
6th February 2004
Carcinogens of the Day!
There are 13 known carcinogens (cancer-causing chemicals) in coffee. This lets all us tea-drinkers look smug for a while, because they haven't found any in tea.
5th February 2004
Mean Gambling of the Day!
In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
posted by Suz 11:02 AM
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
4th February 2004
Picture of the Day!
Never leave your vehicle unattended in Dagenham.
3rd February 2004
Old Wives' Tale of the Day!
Touching a corpse's hand cures a sore throat. No, I think you're more likely to catch something that way.
2nd February 2004
Criminal Record of the Day!
Leroy Linen, a scrap-metal dealer from the Bronx, was banned from driving 633 times between 1990 and 1994.
1st February 2004
Politician Joke of the Day!
Q: How do you save a drowning politician?
A: Take your foot off his head.
31st January 2004
Quote of the Day!
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
- Mark Twain
30th January 2004
Joke of the Day!
Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!"
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully "loaded."
The third man said "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so incredibly well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
29th January 2004
Fact of the Day!
There are 318,979,564,000 possible ways of playing just the first four moves on each side in a game of chess. I hope they worked that out on a computer, rather than sitting some poor nerd down to figure it out.
28th January 2004
Word of the Day!
Congree - to all agree. How cute!
27th January 2004
Statistic of the Day!
People who have never married are 7.5 times more likely to be hospitalized in a psychiatric facility than those who married.
26th January 2004
World Record of the Day!
The longest Chinese Whisper in the world was whispered by 614 people in Las Vegas this month. It was started by the comedian Mac King, saying, "Mac King is a comedy magic genius", but by the time it got back to him, "Macaroni cantaloupe knows the future."
25th January 2004
Site of the Day!
Could it be? Real free stuff for students? There are probably catches but hell! It's free!
24th January 2004
Find of the Day!
Today, I rediscovered my faith in music thanks to a few loud and heavy bands.
23rd January 2004
Song of the Day!
If you don't listen to it properly the first time, you just won't get it. The common room weren't so impressed by this one, but I laughed. Go here to download and listen.
22nd January 2004
Joke of the Day!
A rich, lonley widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad which read...
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE, WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked "What make you think your so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
21st January 2004
Scientific Advancement of the Day!
Engineers in Wisconsin are working on lasers to cut cheese with. Similar to those used for eye surgery, it blasts the cheese molecules apart rather than heating and melting them.
20th January 2004
Line of the Day!
I love animals, they taste really great.
19th January 2004
Picture of the Day!
If Liverpool ruled the world...
18th January 2004
Lawyer Joke of the Day!
Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
17th January 2004
Thing to Do Today!
Watch QVC and find inner peace.
16th January 2004
Word of the Day!
Eleutherian - freedom-giving. Not the coalition forces, then?
15th January 2004
Site of the Day!
Virtual Pooh Sticks. Nuff said.
14th January 2004
Short Joke of the Day!
Q: What do Kodak and a condom have in common?
A: They both capture the moment.
13th January 2004
Film Quote of the Day!
We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we are aware of.
- Agent K from Men In Black
12th January 2004
Statistic of the Day!
The people killed most often during bank robberies are the robbers.
11th January 2004
Song of the Day!
Belch by Fußgängerzone kept the common room enraptured for 7 minutes straight!
This is what dance music should be about!
10th January 2004
Story of the Day!
Patrice Moore was trapped for two days under a pile of books and magazines in his New York apartment. The heap prevented rescuers getting in, and he was eventually saved when the landlord took the door off the hinges.
9th January 2004
Play God Day!
8th January 2004
National Joy Germ Day!
7th January 2004
Interesting Burial of the Day!
In 1973, Swedish confectionery salesman Roland Ohisson was buried in a coffin made entirely of chocolate.
6th January 2004
Line of the Day!
Don't steal! The government hates competition.
5th January 2004
Joke of the Day!
The third-grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class, "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go."
She explained this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and said, "Mary had a little pig - An ornery little runt. He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes - And smelled her little . . ." He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked, "Do you want poetry or prose?"
"Prose." the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."
4th January 2004
Site of the Day!
I may have linked to this one before, but never mind. Lightworks is a very cool online gallery, check it out.
3rd January 2004
Ucky Word of the Day!
Forswott - covered with sweat. Nasty.
2nd January 2004
Picture of the Day!
1st January 2004
Mishap of the Day!
While waving to the crowd after finishing fourth in the 500cc US Motor Cycle Championship in 1989, Kevin Magee fell off his bike and broke his leg.
31st December 2003
Rubbishness of the Night!
I have 'flu, and just saw the new year in asleep in bed.
30th December 2003
National Bicarbonate Of Soda Day!
29th December 2003
Legality of the Day!
Buggery is not actually illegal in Sweden, accounting for an awful lot of vetinary care in the country.
28th December 2003
Scary Stuff of the Day!
Clark Gable is listed on his birth certificate as a girl.
27th December 2003
Sale of the Day!
The town of Tortilla Flats, Arizona, has been put on eBay with an asking price of $5.5million.
26th December 2003
Thief of the Day!
A guy in Exeter was sent to prison the other week for stealing a kitchen. He nicked it, piece by piece, while the owners were away, reinstalling it in his own home.
25th December 2003
Quote for the Day!
It came without ribbons, it came without tags,It came without packages, boxes, or bags. Christmas can't be bought from a store... Maybe Christmas means a little bit more.
- Dr. Seuss. How poetry should be.
24th December 2003
Song of the Day!
Who would have thought it? A political song in the country style. System of a
Down should take notes!
23rd December 2003
Wallpaper of the Day!
Yellow wallpaper, dyed with Scheele's Green pigment, successfully killed Napoleon. When the wallpaper got damp it released arsenic gas, slowly poisoning him to death.
22nd December 2003
Ridiculous Lawsuit of the Day!
Kellogg sued a local golf course, Toucan Golf, Inc., because the name and picture of an actual toucan on its logo was too similar to the company's imaginary Froot Loops bird Toucan Sam. The U.S. Federal Courts informed the corporation that real toucans existed first and golf courses have little to do with selling children's cereal.
21st December 2003
Blonde Joke of the Day!
A Blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, and, sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
She becomes extremely angry. She opens her purse and pulls out the gun to shoot him, but she's suddenly overcome with grief. She puts the gun up to the side her head.
Her boyfriend yells "Honey, don't do it."
She replies, "Shut up, you're next."
posted by Suz 6:09 PM
Sunday, June 20, 2004
20th December 2003
Site of the Day!
Have some fun, blow up some celebrities!
19th December 2003
Job of the Day!
Today, we finally got our Christmas decoration up!
18th December 2003
Word of the Day!
Inerm - without thorns. Who invented these words? The Romans I expect, they had words for everything, even different ways of painting purple.
17th December 2003
Picture of the Day!
The World According to America. Not all of America, but an alarming percentage.
16th December 2003
Quote of the Day!
Life's too short for chess.
- Henry James Byron
15th December 2003
Nothing today.
14th December 2003
Bouillabaisse Day!
What?
13th December 2003
Odd Proverb of the Day!
See Naples and die.
This rather stunted Italian proverb was in one of the books we found when emptying out my nan's house. Bizarre.
12th December 2003
Word of the Day!
Psilosis - loss of hair.
11th December 2003
Food of the Day!
Supernoodles, but they have to be chicken flavour.
10th December 2003
Web Artist of the Day!
KallyKate has kindly let me put this picture up, I thought it was pretty cool. Go to her site now! And read the Math comic, and be amused.
9th December 2003
Flash Film of the Day!
There are loads of different versions on the web, but try typing 'Matrix Pingpong' into a search engine, and enjoy.
8th December 2003
Site of the Day!
I bet you never knew words could be so much fun!
7th December 2003
Strange Patronage of the Day!
Fiacre is the patron saint of venereal disease. Yum.
6th December 2003
Wear Brown Shoes Day!
5th December 2003
Nothing today.
4th December 2003
Picture of the Day!
Stairs by Escher. Muchoco funkito.
3rd December 2003
Song of the Day!
Particle Man by They Might Be Giants, before they had anything to do with Malcom in the Middle.
2nd December 2003
Quote of the Day!
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
- Anon.
1st December 2003
Twit of the Day!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot." One of the men shouted, "That's not what I said!"
30th November 2003
Site of the Day!
Chav Scum - there is much lurking in and around Romford, breeding at an alarming rate.
29th November 2003
Word of the Day!
Sooterkin - a fabulous afterbirth induced by Dutch women sitting huddled over their stoves. What?!
posted by Suz 3:13 PM
Could it be? Am I finally going to actually update this thing? Bloody hell, I must be ill.
posted by Suz 3:09 PM
Monday, January 26, 2004
Damn, I haven't had a chance to do this for quite a while...
I'm getting there!
posted by Suz 10:05 PM
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Thing of the Day! 
